1st: Tenses
To my ever-dearest subscribers,
Good Saturday afternoon from rainy Tokyo! It’s been a long while since I slept-ate-napped on a weekend, and now I’m all set with my coffee and background beats as I compose my first newsletter.
So first things first: thank you very much for subscribing. To be honest, I don’t know how I gathered 45+ of you, but knowing that you are here to read what I am to write humbles me and inspires me to continue what I’ve been doing.
Starting a newsletter wasn’t easy; I had to think of ways to interest you, since (I assume) that all of you have found this through my Instagram. There, I’ve been sharing a lot of pictures especially since the pandemic started. I always thought that posting less virtually means saving my work for tangible publications. But, posting there led (most of you) to “discover” my work, so I’m glad I did.
So why do I need to invade your emails when you already see my posts on Instagram? I guess it’s because I would like to share more to people who really appreciate and would like to know more. Even though this newsletter is also virtual, I have a good feeling that this will lead to more organic and sincere connections: from me to you.
As I plan to do this on a monthly basis, I thought of narrowing down my many, many ideas to three parts every time. Right now, it seems apt that I make use of the three tenses.
The past was simple.
In 2011, I initiated a film photography project called Whilst We Wait, where I, plus 20+ photographers, shot one roll of film a month for one year, without developing any of them until we reach the end of the project’s cycle. We also had to handwrite accompanying letters to ourselves every month. The project was concluded as a group exhibition and it was, indeed, a huge turning point in my creative journey.
It’s cool to unintentionally realize that it’s been 10 years since that project. Where is everyone now? Are they still into (film) photography? Do they still have memories of us, waiting altogether? Unfortunately, I think my copy of everyone’s digitized photographs were lost along with my vanished hard drives. I hope someday, I can retrieve them again.
And so I revisited my photoset for the project and remembered that I chose to work on dolls, for some unfathomable reasons…and maybe one of those was my inclination to Emily the Strange, the movie Ginger Snaps, and Beetlejuice’s Lydia Deetz. Haha!
This was my [weird] description for my [weird] set of photos:
This 12-month long series of film photographs of plastic dolls represents me in various scenarios, forms, circumstances, and aspects. All dolls, specifically named, were intentionally photographed naked, and sometimes even physically deformed, to illuminate the transparency and truth of my adventures and misadventures as I struggle, triumph, and wait for chances, people, and time to pass me by. Different 35mm films and cameras were used and varied grains, hues, and vignettes resulted. Collectively, all of these depict a year-long process of anticipating, persevering, and waiting. In parallel to my handwritten compositions, I painstakingly narrated my emotions and experiences (which were oftentimes real and sometimes in reverie) using parchment and black ink. In one way or the other, my personalities are projected to the dolls and each of them signifies my personality as a young adult who, like many others, is searching for her soul.
Each of my photo had a prose, and this was what I wrote for the one above:
Else and More [Ophelia]
She reads through her punctured words
and her ruptured tales and she feels as if
she is bound to weave something else
and something more.
She browses through her photographed scenes
and her reflected deeds and she feels as
if she bound to yield something else
and something more.
Her senses are whirling in great speed
like gaseous atoms inside a quadrilateral grid.
Her mind is in constant change.
Her tenses are whirring in a distinct beat
like fallacious notes along a tremendous feat.
Her soul is in constant change.
Only one thing is apparent.
Only one and nothing else.
She is loathsome no more.
Wow. I can’t believe that this was how my brain worked 10 years ago. I’m not ashamed of it, though. I think it’s just funny how I used to think and work on my “art” when I was younger. This makes me wonder, too, if I was more passionate back then than I am now. What I do know is that I can’t compose proems like this without cringing at myself. Haha!
The present is progressive.
I’ve been braving the self-publishing world of photobooks/zines since August last year, and it isn’t easy. I struggle with language barriers all the time, and sometimes I spend more than I earn because of trials and errors. Sending parcels overseas have also been problematic due to the virus, and sometimes I feel guilty of making buyers wait a very long time when they’ve already paid.
Nevertheless, in a span of eight months, I’m happy to have accomplished many titles that even I cannot believe myself: three personal ones, two overseas collaborations, and one collective project—all of these I couldn’t have done without your support. Thank you.
Moving forward to the rest of 2021, I plan to put together and release:
NOIR MYTHS Nº3 in the summer,
black & white film swap collection (currently with 30+ participants),
something that involves my other baby, Women in Street JAPAN,
two or three more volumes of DYPSCHITS,
and other limited edition mini photo storybooks.
Sounds like a handful, right? It is a handful. I honestly don’t know how I am able to do my creative projects on top of having a full-time job. This isn’t a brag—at all. Rather, I know that being consistent and persistent in producing new things help me a lot with not losing my mind at work.
And so, speaking of DYPSCHITS, this is the next one on my urgent to-do list.
I am delighted by the positive responses that DYPSCHITS¹ have received so far.1 Which is why I will forever appreciate your support with this series’ next volumes. Please stay tuned while I draft them. 🤍
Aside from making photobooks, I’ve been doing other visual experiments as well. One of them that I enjoy very much is doing live photowalks on Instagram. I used to call it as if this is street photography and now I plainly refer to it as Monowalks, as I usually do it alone, and of course, in black and white.
If you go to my IG TV channel tab, you’ll be able to watch all the episodes I’ve done so far. I’m always so excited whenever my live photowalks garner 20+ audience at the same time. I mean, not many people appreciate seeing Tokyo in boring monochrome, and certainly less of them will stay for an hour of my random walking and endless talking. Somehow, though, a few of them stay until I say goodbye.
I plan to continue Monowalks for many reasons:
It’s a surefire way to release stress, especially since I do it after finishing work. I instantly forget about how shitty my 8 long hours have been, and I immediately transform into a mirthful kid, eager to show everyone how spontaneously interesting Tokyo is.
Many people have expressed their warm sentiments towards it. I am amazed that its mere randomness turn out to be really therapeutic to other people, especially to those who still couldn’t go outside because of their city’s lockdown.
My viewers are very kind to share their screenshots with me as well. When I first started this series, my immediate plan was to make a zine out of everyone’s captures. However, I’ve been receiving more and more—which is a great thing. But now, I’m thinking of doing a more meaningful output. Some viewers have also been encouraging me to extend the project to YouTube, but I’m afraid I don’t have the patience to edit and manage another page. But we’ll see. I will think more about it and am open to suggestions and ideas, too.
And, I mean, how can I just stop doing it after receiving wonderful messages like this one…
The future isn’t perfect.
I’m trying my best not to include negativity in this newsletter, but as a human being, I cannot help it. Like all of you, I have frustrations, too. And it helps to just let them out sometimes. I think I’ve mentioned this before that I’m not happy with my current job. Sadly, even though I try my best everyday, I still feel the same. I’m happy to teach my students. I’m happy to get paid once a month. I’m happy that my health insurance, taxes, and pension are all taken care by my company. I’m just unhappy with the people inside the office, who are unimaginably greedy and selfish.
I cannot count the number of times that I’ve been power harassed in my workplace, and I’m only working there for a year and two months. I’m disgusted how some people would think of ridiculous ways to attack you stealthily, undermine your capabilities, belittle your nationality, and even fake and deceive you to just satisfy their needs to be high and mighty.
I won’t thoroughly explain the details because I don’t have the energy for that right now. Instead, I would like to emphasize how focusing on one’s tasks and believing in oneself is helping me surpass my daily challenges at work. I have become The Gandhi of not giving a fuck. Well, actually I still do since I’m writing about my frustrations at work, haha. But, to tell you the truth, I really don’t give a damn if some of my colleagues think they are better than I am or if I should only do lame administrative stuff, even though I can do management better than most of them. I am not even competing against anyone, anyway.
I don’t give a fuck because my 9-5 job doesn’t define who I am. At the end of every day, I’m happy to know that I have instilled in my students something rich to help them someday, and I’m happy that I have photography stuff to think about right after I clock out from work. I’m happy that I have my family and friends to talk with about how our days went. I’m happy to cook and eat dinner with my boyfriend.
I may not be doing the dreamiest job right now, but I’m happy with the rest of what I have. I really hope that no one, who’s reading this now, is experiencing the same frustrations as mine. Or maybe I’m just being very melodramatic, because there will always be other people in worse situations. I’m just happy that I still have people around me who listens, cares, and lets me know that things will be better.
Overall, I still think that being happy is a state of mind. I can sulk for all I want, but also, I can appreciate life’s good things and the fact that I still experience some of them—such as recently fulfilling my life-long dream to visit Cat Island, and meeting 50+ cats, like this irresistible creature.
I only have Satoshi to sincerely thank for bringing me to different prefectures in Japan. He always plans our trips, finds the best places to stay at, lets me try all the famous food in each city we visit, and is eternally patient with all my whining. I curse a lot when it’s too hot in the summer, and I grumble all the time when it’s too cold in the winter. Haha.
I can go on and on with all the good things about being with him. But I always reserve our loveliest moments together between us only. All I know is that he deserves all the best things in life. 🖤 The end of being cheesy!
Other things
I am now officially hooked with The Office. Yes, I am a late bloomer. But I’m glad I didn’t quit watching the first season, because now, I just can’t get enough of the second season! I still haven’t picked my favorite character. It kind of sucks that there’s only until the third season here on Netflix Japan. So I think I will have bad withdrawals as soon as I run out of episodes to watch. It will only keep getting better until the ninth season, right?
I am slowly trying to eat healthier, or at least prepare a healthier weekly menu, but it’s just so difficult to do when, for instance, fruits and vitamins are way more expensive than potato chips and cup noodles. I cannot quit alcohol, though; it saves me from all work-related stress and Iamthissuperclose to putting sparkling wine in my office tumbler. I wish I could quit my morning instant coffee, however. I just think it adds too much toxins in my already super unhealthy body. Any alternatives?
I am promising myself to be more wiser in putting aside financial savings. This requires a more solid commitment to leading a minimalist lifestyle, and being better at prioritizing needs and wants. It’s personally never an easy thing to do, especially since I don’t earn a lot, but I really would like to put more extra efforts and measures. I am intervening myself! Very boring stuff, but an important life issue, so please bear with me as I challenge myself, okay?
I am constantly downsizing my material possessions, not that I own a lot, but I like to keep my camera shelf, for example, very neat and simple. A couple of months ago, I gave away my Pentax Espio P to a random follower. And I still have a few ones that may be more useful to other people. If anyone’s interested, DM me on Instagram so I can share with you the cameras (and other stuff like a 35mm film scanner) I’m giving out for free! I mean, instead of just throwing them out… The only catch is you have to pay for the shipping fee! Still a good deal, don’t you think?
I am daydreaming of finally going to FujiRock this year. They have announced their lined-up, mostly local ones, which is perfectly understandable. This requires smooth planning, especially since I need to take one Friday off at work. But I’m really looking forward to it! Meanwhile, here’s my Spotify playlist of random Japanese tunes that I love. Which reminds me that I still pay for the premium version, so I might as well share something with you. 好きですか？
Give and take
There you go! My 1st: Tenses newsletter with a three-part update, plus a few other things, especially for you, my ever-dearest subscribers. Thank you for reading until here! Before you close this page, I would appreciate it all the more if you can leave a comment and let me know:
which part you liked the most and why,
what other stories or topics you’d like to read from me.
And since saying thank you here will never be enough, I am giving away special snailmail packs2 to my newsletter subscribers, if you could do one more sweet thing for me:
share about my newsletter on your Instagram and tag me @erincrxss.
And then, I’ll private message you for your address!
That’s it for now. See you again next month!
With love and light,
Erin Cross
Exhibited DYPSCHITS in a group exhibition in Shibuya last December; got invited to do a collaborative zine from a small press in Spain; also got to collaborate with Singapore’s leading photographers, Aik Beng Chia. [See also: Shiro Iro Project]
Special snailmail packs will be very limited and will include a postcard, a photo-print, and a personalized thank you note.
Hi Erin, guess who? Hahaha, very much enjoyed reading your first newsletter. Including your rambling and venting, we all go through shit and it's kind of nice to know we are not alone in the shit we're in. I hope that makes sense? Do you know, right now I'm going through office politics at work, even though I don't officially return to work until next month.
So you asked two questions, let's address them one by one. I enjoy hearing vent about work, to quote Rocky from the film Rocky Balboa "Life ain't all sunshine and rainbows" and there are times when you just have to let it out, if you don't, you will just make yourself unwell. You are human writing like this identifies with your audience. I'm not saying you have to give your life story, but just be you.
Answer your second question, I would like to know who your influences our, both past & present. There are so many photographers/artists out ,it's always good to get new ideas and perspectives on genre. I learn from what you in the same way that I learn from someone like Saul Leiter, that's it.
I enjoy your photowalks, because I do you have any fascination with Japan.
Stay safe look forward to your next newsletter
Frank aka Tiroas
So much good to respond to here. Past Present Future. My favorite aspect of your Monowalks is the black & white. Looking forward to your Spotify playlist today. Your self-awareness (along with the passion and dedication) is refreshing.